Reflections of a Mother's Heart

I sit here in the process of having my 4th miscarriage, full of many emotions, and pondering my path as a mother. My journey into motherhood has certainly been full of ups and downs, and nothing came the easy way. In our first 13 months of marriage, we had three early losses. The first was devastating. I felt like a failure, and that my body didn't work correctly. I felt like I could have done many things differently, and could have saved that baby and all the dreams we had for it. The second was frustrating, but not nearly as devastating. The third was my first round of clomid and our first working with the fertility clinic. They were very supportive, and made the experience much easier for me, and were so optimistic for a healthy child in our future. They put us on a two month unmedicated break, and on that second month, we concieved Jackson.

Jackson is the sweetest part of this reflection. He is my life, my love, and my sweet little boy. He is my reason for everything I do. He has taught me how to be the mother I always knew I could be. Our Jackson is the most entertaining, lovable, and cute little man in the world. I know we're his parents and we are supposed to feel this way, but it's true on every count.

When Jackson was born, we knew that we wanted to add a sibling for him. Just before his first birthday, I started on clomid again. We did seven long cycles with no success, and I felt a bit helpless and just couldn't do it anymore. Our first cycle off of the medication, we found out I was pregnant. What a joy! Our little guy was going to be a big brother. With my past losses, it is difficult to get too excited, and to make too many plans. It's almost like you have to see proof, and have more verification before you can believe it's real. The early stages of pregnancy are almost like holding your breath for news in either direction. In this case, we found out on Saturday night in the ER that this little one was not growing as it should. The inevitable was going to follow soon, and we would lose this baby as well.

The roller coaster of emotion is a crazy one. I can be very clinical and factual in looking at everything. I know it's not my fault, or anything I did or didn't do. I couldn't have prevented this from happening. It's mother nature's way of taking care of a child who wasn't strong enough to make it. I also have the complete flip side of emotions, where I feel like I'm giving up dreams of this child again. It's a very scary time, where I don't know if we'll be able to have another child. I know I'm capable of carrying a healthy child, so there is a sparkle of hope. I feel like we have the support of a good doctor here who will help in every way he can. It's frustrating not to have fertility specialists near, and not have any insurance coverage even if there was.

This mother's journey is far from over. We'll continue to try to add to our family, one crazy month at a time. In the meantime, we have a strong little boy who deserves every single ounce of our love and attention. He is enough. :) He is all I could ever ask for, and is the fufillment of all my dreams. We happily leave our own desires in the Lord's hand. We know that ultimately, He is the one that determines when the "right" time is. He decides when we are ready.

I don't share my reflections out of a need for sympathy. It's more for my own clarity.....a way for me to examine my own feelings, and come to terms in my own way. These thoughts have been swirling in my mind for days, and now they have a home. It's my first step in letting go and moving forward.